so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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