But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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