Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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