The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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