when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
