A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
