I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
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The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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