My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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