when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
