So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
