I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
