I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize