Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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