dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
