Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
