Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
