my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And then the night went full on bisexual.