Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
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Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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