i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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