We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
