Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
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I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.