I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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