there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
