watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
