i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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