I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
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Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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