Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
