fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
