dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
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somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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