then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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