her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
