Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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