Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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