they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So. Much. Porn.
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