It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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