i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
