I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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