Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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