just tell him i said nine months
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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