Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
