Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize