We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
