Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
