my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
