I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
