It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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