Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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