I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Randomize
