people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
