Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
