guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
