bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
