Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i think i have two assholes
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
