God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
