So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
