I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
