Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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