Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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