Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
