dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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