I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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