Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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