My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
