You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
