Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
