I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
